Meditation on Psalm 51 ("Infelix ego")

Wretched man that I am, bereft of all help, who have offended heaven and earth: where shall I go? where shall I turn? to whom shall I flee? who will have pity on me? I dare not lift my eyes to heaven, for I have sinned grievously against it. On earth I find no refuge, for I have been a stumbling block to it. What then shall I do? Shall I despair? Far from it. God is merciful; my Saviour is kind. God alone, then, is my refuge; he will not despise his own work, he will not cast away his own image. To you therefore, most gracious God, I come sad and sorrowing, for you alone are my hope, you alone are my refuge. But what shall I say to you, when I dare not raise my eyes? I will pour out words of grief, I will implore your mercy. I will say: HAVE MERCY on me, O God, according to your great mercy. O God, who dwell in light unapproachable, O hidden God, who cannot be seen with bodily eyes, nor grasped by created understanding, nor told by the tongue of men or of angels. My God, I seek you, the incomprehensible; I call on you, the ineffable, whatever you are, you who are everywhere. For I know that you are the highest thing; if indeed you are a thing, and not rather the cause of all things; if indeed you are a cause. For I find no name by which I can name your ineffable majesty. O God, I say, who are whatever is in you, for you are your very wisdom, your goodness, your power, and your supreme happiness. Since, then, you are merciful, what are you but mercy itself? And what am I but misery itself? Behold, then, O God who are mercy, behold misery before you. What will you do, O mercy? Surely your own work. Can you depart from your own nature? And what is your work? To take away misery, to lift up the miserable. Therefore have mercy on me, O God.

O God, I say, who are mercy, take away my misery, take away my sins, for they are my greatest misery. Lift up me, a wretched man; show your work in me; exercise your power in me. Deep calls to deep: the deep of misery calls to the deep of mercy; the deep of sins calls to the deep of grace. Greater is the deep of mercy than the deep of misery. Let deep, then, swallow up deep: let the deep of mercy swallow up the deep of misery. Have mercy on me, O God, according to your great mercy: not according to the mercy of men, which is small, but according to yours, which is great, which is immeasurable, which is incomprehensible, which beyond all measure exceeds all sins. According to that great mercy of yours by which you so loved the world that you gave your only-begotten Son. What greater pardon can there be, what greater love? Who can despair? who can fail to trust? God has become man, and has been crucified for men. Have mercy on me, therefore, O God, according to this mercy of yours by which you handed over your Son for us, by which through him you took away the sins of the world, by which through his cross you enlightened the minds of men, by which through him you restored the things in heaven and the things on earth. Wash me, Lord, in his blood; enlighten me in his humility; restore me in his resurrection. Have mercy on me, O God, not according to your small mercy: for your mercy is small when you lift men out of bodily miseries, but great when you forgive sins and by your grace raise men above the heights of the earth. So, Lord, have mercy on me according to this great mercy of yours, that you may turn me to yourself, that you may blot out my sins, that you may justify me by your grace. AND ACCORDING TO the multitude of your tender mercies blot out my iniquity. Your mercy, Lord, is the abundance of your kindness, by which you look with kindness on the miserable.

Your tender mercies are the works and the outflowings of your mercy. Mary Magdalene came to your feet, good Jesus: she washed them with tears, wiped them with her hair; you forgave her and sent her away in peace: this is one of your tender mercies, Lord. Peter denied you and with an oath disowned you. You looked at him; he wept bitterly; you forgave him and confirmed him as prince of the Apostles: this again is your tender mercy, Lord. The thief on the cross was saved by a single word. Paul, called in the heat of persecution, was at once filled with the Holy Spirit. These are your tender mercies, Lord. All time would fail if I wished to recount all your tender mercies. For as many as are the righteous, so many are your tender mercies. No one can glory in himself. Let all the righteous come, whether in heaven or on earth, and let us ask them before you whether they were saved by their own strength: surely all, with one heart and one mouth, will answer, "Not to us, Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for your mercy and your truth." "For not by their own sword did they possess the land, and their own arm did not save them; but your right hand and your arm and the light of your countenance, because you were pleased with them"; that is, they were saved not by their merits, not by works, so that no one may boast, but because it was pleasing in your sight. And the prophet said this still more plainly of himself when he said, "He saved me because he delighted in me." Since, then, you are the same God, with whom there is no change nor shadow of alteration, and we are your creatures, as were our fathers also, who, born of concupiscence, were sinners as we are, and there is one mediator between God and men, Christ Jesus, who remains for ever, why do you not pour out your tender mercies upon us as you poured them out upon our fathers?

Have you forgotten us? are we the only sinners? did Christ not die for us? are there no mercies left? Lord our God, I ask you, I beseech you: blot out my iniquity according to the multitude of your tender mercies. For your tender mercies are many and without number; one is enough for me: namely, that according to the multitude of your tender mercies you blot out my iniquity; that as you have drawn, received, and made righteous innumerable sinners, so you may deign to draw me, to receive me, and to make me righteous by your grace. According, then, to the multitude of your tender mercies blot out my iniquity. Wipe my heart clean, so that, with all iniquity blotted out and all uncleanness driven out, it may become like a clean tablet on which the finger of God may write the law of love, with which no iniquity can dwell. WASH ME YET MORE from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. I confess, Lord, you once blotted out my iniquity; you blotted it out again; you have washed me a thousand times. Wash me yet again from my iniquity, for I have fallen again. Do you spare a sinful man only up to a fixed number? When Peter asked you, "How often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Seven times?" you answered, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven," taking a finite number for an infinite one. Will you then separate pardon from man? Is God not greater than man, is he not better than man? Indeed, God is a great Lord, and every living man is altogether vanity; and God alone is good, but every man is a liar. Did you not say, "On whatever day the sinner groans for his sins, I will remember all his iniquities no more"? Behold, I, a sinner, groan, for my wounds have festered because of my foolishness. I have become wretched and am bowed down to the very end; all the day long I go in to you mourning.

I am afflicted and greatly humbled; I roar for the groaning of my heart. Lord, all my longing is before you, and my groaning is not hidden from you. My heart is troubled within me; my strength has left me, and the light of my eyes, it also is not with me. Why then, Lord, do you not blot out my iniquity? Even if you have already blotted it out according to the multitude of your tender mercies, wash me yet more from my iniquity, for I am still far from perfectly cleansed: complete your work. Take away all guilt; take away liability to punishment; increase the light; kindle my heart with your love; drive out fear, for perfect love casts out fear. Let the love of the world, the love of the flesh, the love of glory, the love of self, depart from me altogether. Wash me yet more, more and more, from my iniquity, for I have offended against my neighbour. And from my sin, by which I have offended God, cleanse me, that you may blot out not only the guilt and the liability, but also the kindling of sins. Wash me, I say, with the water of your graces, the water of which whoever drinks will never thirst, but it will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. Wash me with the water of my tears; wash me with the water of your Scriptures, that I may be counted among those to whom you said, "You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you." FOR I KNOW my iniquity, and my sin is ever before me. For although, looking to your mercy and your tender mercies, Lord, I flee to you with confidence, yet I do not come like the Pharisee who prayed before you in another way, or rather praised himself and despised his neighbour, but like the tax collector, who did not dare to raise his eyes to heaven. For I know my iniquity. When I weigh my sins, I dare not lift my eyes upward, but humbled with the tax collector I say, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner."

For my soul wavers between hope and fear: now, for fear of the sins I know in myself, I despair; now I am lifted up by hope in your mercy. But because your mercy is greater than my misery, I will always hope in you, Lord, and will sing of your mercies for ever. For I know that you do not desire the death of a sinner, but that he should turn, that he should know his iniquity, that he should forsake his sin and come to you and live. My God, grant me to live in you. For I know my iniquity. For I know how grave it is, how manifold, how ruinous. I am not ignorant of it, I do not hide it, but I set it before my eyes, that I may wash it with tears, that I may confess my unrighteousness against myself to the Lord; for my sin too, by which I acted proudly against you, is ever against me; against me, because I sinned against you. Truly against me, because against my soul, because it always accuses me before the judge, because it always and everywhere cries out against me, and is so far against me that it always stands against me, opposing itself to me, so that my prayer may not pass through to you, so that it may take your mercy away from me and hinder it from passing through to me. Therefore I tremble, therefore I groan, therefore I implore your mercy. As, then, Lord, you have granted me to know my iniquity and to weep for my sin, so complete my contrition, fulfil my confession, bring my satisfaction to its end. For every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights. AGAINST YOU ONLY have I sinned and done evil in your sight, that you may be justified in your words and may prevail when you are judged. Truly I have sinned against you only, for you commanded me to love you for your own sake, and to refer the love of creatures to you; but I loved the creature more than you, loving it for its own sake.

For what is it to sin but to cling in love to a creature for its own sake? And what is this but to act against you? Surely whoever loves a creature for its own sake makes the creature his god. I therefore have sinned against you only, for I made a creature my god; I cast you away, and did injury to you alone. For I did not sin against any creature, even though I placed my end in a created thing, because I was not commanded to love any creature for its own sake. For if you had commanded me to love an angel alone for his own sake, and I had loved money for its own sake, I would certainly have sinned against the angel. But since you alone are to be loved for your own sake, and the creature is to be loved in you and for you, I sinned against you only when I loved the creature for its own sake. But, what is worse, I also did evil in your sight. For I was not ashamed to sin before you. O God, how many sins I committed before you that I would by no means have committed before men, indeed that I would by no means have wished men to know. I feared men more than you: because I was blind and loved my blindness, I neither saw you nor considered you. I had only the eyes of the flesh; so I saw only men, who are flesh, and feared them. But you beheld all my sins and numbered them; so I shall be able neither to hide them from you, nor to evade, nor to flee from your face. Where shall I go from your Spirit, and where shall I flee from your face? What then shall I do? where shall I turn? whom shall I find as defender? whom, I beg, but you, my God? Who is so good, who so kind, who so merciful, as you, who in kindness surpass all creatures beyond comprehension? For it is your property to have mercy and to spare, you who show your almighty power chiefly in sparing and in having mercy.

I confess, Lord, against you only have I sinned and done evil in your sight: have mercy on me and show your almighty power in me. That you may be justified in your words. For you said, "I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Be justified, Lord, in your words. Call me, receive me, grant me to bear fruit worthy of repentance; for this you were crucified, for this you died and were buried. You said also, "When I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all things to myself." Be justified in your words; draw me after you; we will run in the fragrance of your ointments. You said likewise, "Come to me, all you who labour and are burdened, and I will refresh you." Behold, I come to you laden with sins, labouring day and night in the groaning of my heart: refresh me, Lord, that you may be justified in your words and may prevail when you are judged. For many say, "There is no salvation for him in his God; God has forsaken him." Prevail over them, Lord, when you are judged by them; do not utterly forsake me; give me mercy and salvation, and they are overcome. For they say that you will not have mercy on me, that you will cast me away from your face, that you will receive me no more. So you are judged by men; so men speak of you; these are their judgments. But you, who are kind, you who are merciful, have mercy on me and overcome their judgments; show your mercy in me; let your kindness be praised in me; make me one of the vessels of your mercy, that you may be justified in your words and may prevail when you are judged. For men judge you hard and severe; overcome their judgments with your kindness and gentleness, so that men may learn to have mercy on sinners, and offenders may be kindled to repentance when they see your kindness and gentleness in me.

FOR BEHOLD, I was conceived in iniquities, and in sins did my mother conceive me. Do not look, Lord, at the gravity of my sins, do not consider their number, but acknowledge the thing you have formed; remember that I am dust and all flesh is grass. For behold, I was conceived in iniquities, and in sins did my mother conceive me. My mother, I say, conceived me in the flesh from concupiscence, and in it I contracted original sin. And what is original sin but the privation of original righteousness and of the uprightness of the whole man? Therefore man, conceived and born in such sin, is wholly crooked, wholly bent; the flesh lusts against the spirit, reason is weak, the will infirm, man frail and like to vanity; the senses deceive him, imagination misleads him, ignorance leads him where there is no way; he has endless obstacles that draw him back from good and drive him to evil. Original sin, then, is the root of all sins, the kindling of all iniquities. For although in each man it is by its nature one, yet in power it is all sins. You see, then, Lord, what I am and whence I am: for in original sin, which contains all iniquities and all sins, I was conceived, and in it my mother conceived me. Born, then, wholly in sins and surrounded on every side by snares, how shall I be able to escape? For I do not do the good that I want, but the evil that I do not want, this I do, for I find another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and making me captive in the law of sin and death. So much the more, then, let your kindness lift me up, the more it sees me frail and surrounded by so many snares. For who would not have pity on the sick, who would not feel for the weak? Come, come, sweet Samaritan, and lift up the wounded man left half dead; tend my wounds, pour in wine and oil, set me on your beast, lead me to the inn, commend me to the innkeeper, bring out two denarii and say to him, "Whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back." FOR BEHOLD, you have loved truth; the uncertain and hidden things of your wisdom you have made known to me.

Come, sweetest Samaritan. For behold, you have loved truth; the truth, I say, of the promises you made to the human race. You loved them indeed, because you made them and kept them. For your loving is itself your doing good. For in yourself you are unchangeable, and do not, as we do, now love and now not love, so that the act of your love passes away and returns; but you are love that never changes. For God is love. Your loving a creature, then, is your doing it good, and those to whom you do more good you love more. What, then, is your loving truth, but doing and keeping truth? You promised Abraham a son when he was already old, and you kept the promise to Sarah, barren and aged, because you loved truth. To the children of Israel you pledged a land flowing with milk and honey, and at length you gave it, because you loved truth. To David you promised, saying, "Of the fruit of your body I will set upon your throne"; it came to pass, because you loved truth. Countless were your promises, and in them you were always faithful. Why were you always faithful? Because you loved truth. To sinners who flee to you, you promised pardon and grace, and you never defrauded anyone, because you loved truth. That prodigal son, who went into a far country and squandered all his substance in riotous living, came to himself and came to you, saying, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired servants." While he was yet far off, you saw him with the eyes of your kindness, you ran to meet him, fell on his neck, and kissed him; you brought out the best robe, put a ring on his hand and shoes on his feet, killed the fatted calf, made the whole house glad, saying, "Let us rejoice and feast, for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

Why this, Lord my God? Surely because you loved truth. Love, then, Father of mercies, this truth in me, who return to you from a far country. Run to meet me and give me the kiss of your mouth; restore my first adornments; draw me into your house; kill the fatted calf, that all who hope in you may rejoice in me, and that we may feast together at spiritual banquets. Will you, Lord, fail to keep this truth for me alone? If you, Lord, should mark iniquities, Lord, who shall stand? Surely you will not mark iniquities, for you have loved truth, and loved it indeed with boundless love. For what is the truth that you have loved? Is it not your Son, who said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life"? For he is the truth from which all truth in heaven and on earth is named. This, then, you have loved, and in it alone you were well pleased. And why were you well pleased in it alone? Because you found it alone without spot, and you willed it to die for sinners. Keep, then, O God, this truth. Behold me, a great sinner, in whom you may keep it, to whom you may forgive many sins, whom you may wash in the blood of Christ, whom you may redeem through his passion. Why, Lord, did you hand on to me this knowledge of your Son, why this faith in him? Was it so that I might be stricken with greater grief, seeing my redemption and never reaching it? Far from it. But so that, understanding that pardon is prepared for me, I may lay hold of it through the grace of Christ. Redeem me, then, Lord, for you have made known to me the uncertain and hidden things of your wisdom, that this very knowledge may help me and lead me to salvation. These things the philosophers certainly did not know; these were uncertain to them; these were wholly hidden from them; these, before the incarnation of your Son, no man knew, except a few whom you loved.

The most curious searchers of the heart (I mean the wise men of this world) raised their eyes beyond the heavens and could not find this wisdom of yours, because you have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and revealed them to little ones, that is, to humble fishermen and to your holy prophets, who handed them on to us. If, then, you have made known to me the uncertain and hidden things of your wisdom and of your Scriptures, why do I know them in vain? And I know them in vain if they do not lead me to salvation. For the philosophers too, though they knew God, did not glorify him as God or give thanks, but became futile in their thinking; for, claiming to be wise, they became fools. Will you let me be one of their number? Far from it. For you are mercy itself, which never forsakes the penitent. Spare, then, Lord, spare your servant, and bid him be among the number of your little servants, so that the uncertain and hidden things of your wisdom that you have made known to him may lead him to the fountain of wisdom that is on high, that you may be praised in the work of mercy you will have done with your servant, Lord, who never forsake those who hope in you. YOU WILL SPRINKLE me, Lord, with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed; you will wash me, and I shall be made whiter than snow. Because, then, Lord, you have loved truth, and have made known to me the uncertain and hidden things of your wisdom, I have conceived great hope, and I trust that you will not cast me away from your face, but will sprinkle me with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed. Hyssop is a lowly herb, warm and fragrant; and what does it signify but your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, who humbled himself to death, even death on a cross; who with the warmth of his boundless love loved us and washed us from our sins in his blood; who with the fragrance of his goodness, his gentleness, and his righteousness has filled the whole world with sweetness?

With this hyssop, then, you will sprinkle me, when you pour out the power of his blood upon me, when Christ dwells in me through faith, when I am joined to him through love, when I imitate his humility and his passion. Then I shall be cleansed from all my uncleanness; then you will wash me with my tears, flowing from the love of Christ. Then I shall labour in my groaning; every night I shall wash my bed with my tears, I shall water my couch. Then, therefore, you will wash me, and I shall be made whiter than snow. For snow is white and cold. So, Lord, if you sprinkle me with hyssop, I shall be made whiter than snow; for I shall be flooded above all with your light, which surpasses all bodily whiteness, and, kindled by it with love of heavenly goods, I shall leave behind all the affections of the flesh, cold toward earthly things and on fire for heavenly ones. TO MY HEARING you will give joy and gladness, and the bones that were humbled will rejoice. For then, Lord, I will pray to you, and in the morning, that is, at the beginning of your light, you will hear my voice. And I will hear what the Lord God speaks in me; for he will speak peace to his people. And you will give me peace, Lord; you will give me peace, because I have hoped in you. To my hearing you will give joy and gladness when I hear what Mary heard. And what did Mary hear? I speak of the one who wept at your feet. What, then, did she hear? "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." Let me hear also what the thief heard: "Today you will be with me in Paradise." So I shall have joy from the forgiveness of sins, gladness from the promise of good things. Shall I not rejoice and be glad when you give back double for all my sins? Then I shall begin to taste that you are sweet, Lord; then I shall learn to dwell in heavenly things; then I shall say with the prophet, "How great is the abundance of your sweetness, Lord, which you have hidden for those who fear you."

Then I shall rejoice and be glad, and the bones that were humbled will rejoice. What are the bones that hold up the flesh but the powers of the rational soul, which bear the frailty of our flesh, so that it does not flow into every vice, so that the whole man does not become flesh and waste away entirely? These bones, then, have been humbled, because reason has been greatly weakened and the will is strongly inclined to evil. Now the flesh no longer obeys reason, but reason obeys the flesh. I cannot resist vices, because my bones have been humbled. And why humbled? Because they have forsaken you, the fountain of living water, and have dug for themselves broken cisterns that cannot hold water; because they are not filled with your grace, without which no one can live well. For without you we can do nothing. They trusted in their own strength, which was no strength; therefore they failed in their folly. Let your strength come, then, Lord, and the bones that were humbled will rejoice. Let your grace come, let faith come that works through love; let the virtues and gifts come, and the bones that were humbled will rejoice. Reason will indeed exult, memory will be glad, the will will rejoice; surely because they will leap out of themselves as they go forth to good works; they will be exercised with great strength and will not fail, but, with your help, will be carried through to the end. TURN AWAY your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. Why, Lord, do you look at my sins? why do you number them? why do you consider them so closely? Do you not know that man is like a flower of the field? Why do you not rather look upon the face of your Christ? Alas, wretched me! why do I see you angry with me? I have sinned, I confess, but you, who are kind, have mercy on me. Turn away your face from my sins. Your face is your knowledge. Turn away, then, your knowledge from my sins.

I do not speak of the knowledge of simple apprehension, by which you always see all things, but of the knowledge of approval and disapproval, by which you approve the works of the righteous and, disapproving, condemn the sins of the wicked. Do not know my sins in such a way as to impute them to me; but turn away your face from my sins, that they may be blotted out by your mercy. Look, Lord, upon the soul you created; look upon your image, which you formed. For you created it in your image, and I, wretched man, have put on over it the image of the devil. Turn away your face, Lord, from the image of the devil, that you may not be angry with me; and look upon your own image, that you may have mercy on me, O merciful Lord. You looked upon Zacchaeus when he climbed the sycamore tree, and you went down into his house. Plainly you would never have done this if you had looked upon the image of the devil in him. But because you saw your own image in him, you had compassion on him and granted him salvation. He promised to restore fourfold what he had wrongly taken and to give half his goods to the poor, and he obtained mercy and salvation. I give myself wholly to you; I keep nothing back for myself; I promise to serve you always with a sincere heart. I will pay my vows all the days of my life. Why, then, Lord, do you not look upon your image in me also? Why do you still consider my sins? Turn away, I beg, your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. Blot them all out, then, so that none remains. For it is written, "Whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all," that is, guilty of Gehenna, which is the punishment of all the sins that lead to death. Blot out, then, all iniquities, so that none may offend you, which makes one guilty of all. CREATE a clean heart in me, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. My heart has forsaken me; it never thinks of me; wholly forgetful of its own salvation, it wanders through trackless places; it has gone abroad; it follows vanities, and its eyes are on the ends of the earth.

I called it, and it did not answer me; it has gone away, it has perished; it has been sold under sins. What then, Lord, what shall I say? Create a clean heart in me, O God: a humble heart, a gentle heart, a peaceable heart, a kindly heart, a devout heart, which does harm to no one, which does not return evil for evil but good for evil; which loves you above all things, always thinks of you, speaks of you, gives thanks to you, delights in hymns and spiritual songs, and has its life in heaven. Create such a heart in me, O God: bring it forth out of nothing, so that what cannot be such by nature may become such by grace. For this grace comes into the soul from you alone, by creation; this is the form of a clean heart; this draws all the virtues with it and drives out all the vices alike. Create, then, a clean heart in me by your grace, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. For your Spirit will lead me into the right way, because he will purge me of earthly affections and lift me up to heavenly things. For the lover and the beloved are one. Whoever, then, loves bodies is body; but whoever loves spirit is spirit. Give me a spirit that loves you and adores you, the highest Spirit. For God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth. Give me a right spirit, that seeks not its own things but yours. Renew a right spirit within me: renew it, because my sins have extinguished the first one you had given me. Give a new spirit, which may renew what has grown old. For my soul is a spirit, and was so created by you that it is upright in itself. For by its nature it loves you above itself, and desires all things for your sake.

For natural love is upright because it is from you; but through its own perverse will it has grown old in sins and makes natural love waste away. Renew, then, this spirit and this love by your grace, that it may walk uprightly according to its nature. Renew it within me, so that it may fix its roots so firmly within that they can never again be torn out. Renew it, I say, within me, that it may always burn me with heavenly love, always make me sigh for you, embrace you without ceasing, never forsake you. CAST me not away from your face, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Behold, Lord, I stand before your face, that I may find your mercy. I stand before your goodness and kindness. I wait for your gracious answer: do not cast me away from your face confounded. Who, Lord, ever came to you and went away confounded? Who sought your face and went away empty? Surely by the abundance of your kindness you exceed both the merits and the prayers of those who entreat you, and you grant more than men can desire or understand. Since the world began it has not been heard that you cast away from your face, confounded, anyone who came to you. Shall I, Lord, be the first cast away from your face? Do you wish to begin with me to confound those who come to you? Will you no longer have mercy and spare? Far from it. The Canaanite woman followed you; she cried out, she filled the air with her voice, she moved your disciples to compassion: and you were silent. She persevered, knocking; she worshipped you, saying, "Lord, help me." But even so you did not answer. The disciples asked for her, saying, "Send her away, for she cries after us." What, I ask, what, Lord, did you answer them? In effect, that she was weeping to no purpose, that she was labouring in vain. For you said, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel."

Having heard this, what should the Canaanite woman have done? Surely despaired of the grace she desired. Yet she did not despair; but trusting in your mercy, again and again she asked, saying, "Lord, help me." When she pressed on importunately, Lord, you answered her, "It is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs"; as if you had said openly, "Go away from me. You Canaanites are dogs; you are unclean; you are idolaters; the gifts of heavenly graces do not belong to you; I must not take them from the Jews, who worship the true God, and give them to you dogs, who worship demons." What will you do now, O Canaanite woman? Blush now and go away, for the Lord is angry not only with you but with your whole nation. Who, Lord God, would not have gone away confounded at these words of yours? who would not have murmured? who would not have judged you cruel? And yet this very woman persisted in prayer; she did not lose hope; she did not resent the hard words; she was not angry, but rather humbled; and persisting in her petition she said with confidence, "Lord, what you say is true; but I do not ask for bread; I do not ask for the children's graces, for I am a little dog. I ask for the crumbs that fall from your children's table: let them abound in miracles and graces; but let not this least grace be denied me, that my daughter be freed from the demon; for even the little dogs eat of the crumbs that fall from their masters' table." Behold, what faith! what trust! what humility! Therefore you were not angered by her importunity, but rejoiced in her virtue, and said, "O woman, great is your faith; be it done for you as you desire." Why were these things written, Lord my God?

That we may learn to hope in you; that we may persevere in prayer devoutly and humbly. You wish to give; but the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. For whatever was written was written for our instruction, that through patience and the comfort of the Scriptures we might have hope. Do not, then, cast me away from your face, Lord, for day and night I stand weeping and wailing before your face, not that you may free me from bodily oppression by a demon, but that you may snatch my soul from his spiritual power. Do not confound me, good Jesus, for in you alone I hope. There is no salvation for me except in you, Lord my God. For all have forsaken me: my brothers and my sons have cast me off; my own bowels abhor me; I have no helper left but you. Cast me not away, then, from your face, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. No one can say "Lord Jesus" except in the Holy Spirit. So if I call upon you, I do it in the Holy Spirit. If I grieve for the sins I have committed, if I ask pardon, I surely do this in the Holy Spirit. Therefore I beseech you: take not your Holy Spirit from me, that he may be with me and labour with me. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought; but the Spirit helps our weakness and intercedes for us, that is, makes us intercede, with groanings that cannot be uttered. Take not, then, this Holy Spirit of yours from me, that he may teach me to pray and help me in my labour, and make me persist in prayers and tears, so that at last I may find grace before you and serve you all the days of my life. RESTORE to me the joy of your salvation, and strengthen me with a governing spirit. I ask a great thing, Lord, for you are a great God and Lord, and a great King above all gods.

He does you wrong who asks small things of you. Small are all things that pass away; small are all bodily things; great and precious are spiritual things. Take away the spirit, take away the soul from the body: what remains but dung, what but dust and shadow? So the distance between spirit and body is as great as that between a body and its shadow. Whoever, then, asks bodily things of you asks small things; but whoever asks spiritual things asks great things indeed, and the greatest of all he who asks the joy of your salvation. For what is your salvation but Jesus your Son? He is the true God and eternal life. Why, then, should I not ask this salvation of you, the boundless and most generous Father, whom you handed over for me upon the wood? For you offered him to me: why should I blush to ask for him? It is the greatest and an infinite gift: I am not worthy of so great a gift; yet it befits you to give such great things. Because of this ineffable kindness, then, I dare to approach you with confidence and to ask the joy of your salvation. For if any son asks the father of his flesh for a fish, will he give him a serpent? and if he asks for an egg, will he give him a scorpion? and if he asks for bread, will he give him a stone? If, then, fathers in the flesh, though they are evil and sinners, know how to give their children the good things given them by you, how much more will you, heavenly Father, who are good by essence, give the good Spirit to those who ask you. Behold, your son, returned from a far country, grieving and penitent, asks of you the fish of faith. For as a fish lies hidden under the waters, so faith is of the things that are not seen. He asks, I say, for true faith, that he may rejoice in your salvation. Will you hand him a serpent?

Will you give him the poisons of unbelief that come from the crooked and ancient serpent, the devil? I ask of you, Lord, the egg of hope; that as a chick is hoped for from an egg, so you may grant me to come from hope to the vision of your salvation; that from hope itself vision may come forth, like a chick from the egg. I ask for the egg of hope, that meanwhile my soul may be lifted up by hope itself in this valley of tears and may rejoice in your salvation. Will you give me the scorpion of despair, so that, as the scorpion has its poison at the tip of its tail, I too should keep back sin for the end of my life, and flatter myself in the allurements of the world, as the scorpion seems to flatter with its face? I ask of you also the bread of the love of Christ, by which he shares himself with all like bread, that I may always rejoice in your salvation. Will you give me a stone, that is, hardness of heart? Far from it. Why, then, should I hesitate to ask and to obtain great things from you, Lord, who rouse and invite me to ask and to knock even to importunity? What indeed can I ask that is more pleasing to you and more wholesome for me than that you restore to me the joy of your salvation? I have already tasted how sweet the Lord is, how light and sweet his burden. I remember how great a peace, how great a tranquillity of mind I enjoyed when I rejoiced in the Lord and exulted in God my Jesus. Therefore I grieve the more now, because I know what I have lost, I know how very great the goods I have let go: therefore I cry importunately, Restore to me the joy of your salvation; restore what you took away because of my sins; restore what I lost by my fault. Restore it, I beg, through the merits of him who stands always at your right hand and intercedes for us; that through him I may feel you reconciled to me, that he may be a seal upon my heart, that I may say with the Apostle, "I am crucified with Christ: yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me."

But because my frailty is great, strengthen me with a governing spirit, so that by no disturbances I may be separated from Christ, by no terrors draw back from you, by no torments be weakened. For my strength is not so great that it can fight with the ancient serpent and prevail over him. Peter taught me how great my weakness is. He saw you, Lord Jesus, and was your closest companion; he tasted your glory on the mountain when you were transfigured, he heard the voice of the Father, he beheld your wonderful works with his own eyes; he himself also did many miracles by your power; he walked on the waters with his feet; every day he heard your words, so powerful, so sweet; he seemed to be of most fervent faith, and said he was ready to go with you both to prison and to death; and when you foretold his denial to him, he did not believe you, he trusted in his own strength, he gave more credit to himself, a man, than to you, God. But when a maidservant said to him, "You are one of them," at once in terror he denied. Another maidservant came and said, "Truly you are one of them." Again he denied. He could not stand before a little woman; how would he have stood before kings and tyrants? And when he was again questioned and accused by the bystanders, he began to swear and to curse that he did not know you. What, do you think, was he saying? I think he swore by God and by the law of Moses that he did not know you, and cursed, saying, "Do you think I am a disciple of this Samaritan, this man with a demon, this deceiver, who destroys our law? I am a disciple of Moses; as for this man, I do not know where he is from." Thanks be to God that the questioning stopped. For if the questioning had not stopped, neither would the denying have stopped. A thousand questions would have produced a thousand denials, indeed a thousand perjuries and curses. And these questionings were only words.

What, I ask, if the Jews had come to blows? Peter would surely have left nothing undone by which, through denials and perjuries, through curses and blasphemies, he might have freed himself from their hands. But you, kind Lord, looked at him, and at once he knew his sin. Yet he did not dare to leap into their midst and confess you to be the Son of God, for he had not yet been strengthened with power from on high. For without doubt he would have denied again if he had seen the scourges prepared for him; therefore, on riper counsel, he went out and wept bitterly. After your resurrection you appeared to him; you comforted him; nevertheless he kept hidden for fear of the Jews. He saw you ascending into heaven so gloriously, and he was strengthened by the sight and comfort of angels; yet still he did not dare to go out in public. For he had learned his frailty by experience; he had proved his weakness; therefore he waited for the promised Holy Spirit. The Spirit came and filled his breast with grace: then he went out, then he began to speak, then with great power he bore witness to your resurrection, then he did not fear the chief priests and kings, but gloried in tribulations and embraced the cross as his highest delight. So, Lord, strengthen me with a governing spirit, that I may remain continually in the joy of your salvation: otherwise I cannot hold out against so many wars. The flesh lusts against the spirit; the world presses on me from every side; the devil does not sleep. Give me the strength of your Spirit, that a thousand may fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand, that I may be a faithful and brave witness to your faith. For if Peter, whom you had endowed with so many gifts and graces, fell so miserably, what would I do, Lord, what would I do? I who have not seen you in the flesh, nor tasted your glory on the mountain, nor beheld your miracles; who, indeed, have scarcely understood your wonderful works even from afar, and have never heard your voice; but have always been in sins.

Strengthen me, then, with a governing spirit, that I may persevere in your service and lay down my life for you. I WILL TEACH the unjust your ways, and the wicked will be converted to you. Do not ascribe it to rashness, Lord, if I desire to teach the unjust your ways. For I do not desire, unjust, disgraced, and in chains as I am, to teach the unjust; but if you restore to me the joy of your salvation, if you strengthen me with a governing spirit, if you set me free, then I will teach the unjust your ways. For this is not difficult for you, since from stones you can raise up children to Abraham. Nor can sins stand in your way if you wish to do this; indeed, where sin abounded, grace abounded all the more. Paul, breathing threats and slaughter against the disciples of the Lord, received authority, if he found any men or women following you and confessing your faith, to bring them bound to Jerusalem. So he went, driven by fury, like a ravening wolf, to scatter, seize, and kill your sheep. While, then, he was on the road, in the heat of persecution, in the very act of sin, while he was persecuting you, while he meant to kill your own, while there was in him no preparation for grace and no knowledge of his sin, when he opposed you with all his strength, blasphemed, and abhorred you, behold the voice of your kindness over him, saying, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" At that voice he was at once thrown down and raised up: thrown down in body, raised up in mind. You woke the sleeper; into eyes heavy with sleep you poured your light; you showed your face; you poured out your ineffable mercy. The dead man rose; he opened his eyes. He saw you and said, "Lord, what do you want me to do?" You sent the wolf to the lamb; you sent him to Ananias; he was baptized and at once filled with the Holy Spirit; he became a chosen vessel to carry your name before kings and nations and the children of Israel.

Immediately, then, he entered the synagogues and fearlessly proclaimed you, affirming that you are the Christ. He disputed, grew stronger, and confounded the Jews. Behold, Lord, how at once you made him from a persecutor a preacher, and such a preacher and so great that he laboured more than the other Apostles. O your wonderful power! If you wish to make the unjust just, the persecutor a preacher, who will prevent it? who will resist you? who will be able to say, "Why do you do so?" Whatever you have willed you have done in heaven and on earth, in the sea and in all the deeps. Let it not, then, be counted arrogance if I desire to teach the unjust your ways, not by my own power but by yours. For I know that I can offer you nothing that pleases the eyes of your kindness more: this sacrifice is the greatest of all, and I can offer nothing more profitable to myself. If, then, you change me into another man, I will teach the unjust your ways: not the ways of Plato, not of Aristotle, not the intricacies of syllogisms, not the doctrines of philosophy, not the inflated words of rhetoricians, not worldly business, not the ways of vanity, not ways that lead to death; but your ways and your commandments, which lead to life; not one way only but many ways, for your commandments are many. Yet all these ways end in one, for all are joined in one love, which so unites the souls of the faithful that they become one heart and one soul in the Lord. Or else the different ways are different lives: for clerics walk by one, monks by another, mendicants by another. Those joined in marriage keep another, those living in widowhood and continence another, virgins another. Princes follow another, teachers another, merchants another. In short, the different states of men set out by different ways toward the heavenly homeland. I will teach the unjust your ways, then, each according to his condition and capacity.

And the wicked will be converted to you, because I will preach to them not myself but Christ crucified. Therefore they will be converted not to praise of me but to you. For they will leave their own ways, so that, coming to yours, they may walk in them and come to you. DELIVER me from blood, O God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will exult in your righteousness. I am choking in much blood, and out of its depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Do not delay, Lord, for I am near to death; my bloods are my sins. For as the life of the flesh is in the blood, so the life of the sinner is in sin. Pour out the blood, and the animal dies: pour out sin through confession, and the sinner dies and is made righteous. I am therefore not only wrapped in blood but plunged in bloods: whirlpools of blood drag me down to hell. Help me, Lord, lest I perish: deliver me from blood, O God, who govern and move all things; who alone can deliver me; in whose hand is every spirit of life. Deliver me from blood, O God, author of my salvation, God in whom alone is my salvation. Deliver me, Lord, as you delivered Noah from the waters of the flood. Deliver me as you delivered Lot from the burning of Sodom. Deliver me as you delivered the children of Israel from the depth of the Red Sea. Deliver me as you delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale. Deliver me as you delivered the three young men from the furnace of burning fire. Deliver me as you delivered Peter from the danger of the sea. Deliver me as you delivered Paul from the depth of the sea. Deliver me as you delivered countless sinners from the hand of death and from the gates of hell. And my tongue will exult in your righteousness; that is, because of your righteousness, which I shall feel in me through your grace.

For your righteousness, as the Apostle says, is through faith in Jesus Christ unto all and upon all who believe in him. So my tongue will exult in praising this righteousness of yours, extolling your grace, magnifying your kindness, confessing my sins, that your mercy may be praised in me, which has deigned to justify so great a sinner; that all men may know that you save those who hope in you, and deliver them from the hand of distress, Lord our God. O LORD, you will open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. Your praise is a great thing, Lord, and it comes from your fountain, from which the sinner does not drink. For praise is not seemly in the mouth of a sinner. Deliver me, then, from blood, O God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will exult in your righteousness. Then, Lord, you will open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you have the keys of David, who shut and no one opens, who open and no one shuts. Then, therefore, you will open my lips, as you opened the lips of infants and sucklings, out of whose mouth you have perfected your praise. These were surely the prophets and apostles, and your other saints also, who praised you with a simple and pure heart and mouth; not the philosophers and orators, who said, "We will magnify our tongue; our lips are our own; who is our God?" They opened their own lips; you did not open them: therefore you did not perfect praise out of their mouth. Your infants, Lord, praised you and despised themselves. The philosophers, while they were eager to praise, wished to magnify themselves. Your sucklings praised your glory, which they knew through grace from above the heavens. The philosophers, knowing you through natural things alone, could not express your praises perfectly. Your saints praised you with heart and mouth and good works; the philosophers with words alone and puffed-up wisdom.

Your children spread your praises through the whole world; the philosophers preached to scarcely a few disciples. Your friends, by your praises, turned countless men from sins to virtues and to true happiness; the philosophers knew neither true virtues nor true happiness. Your beloved proclaimed your ineffable kindness, which you showed in the Son of your love; the philosophers could in no way understand it. Out of the mouth of infants and sucklings, then, you have perfected your praise. For it has always pleased you to exalt the humble and to humble the proud. Since, then, you always resist the proud, give me true humility, that you may perfect your praise out of my mouth. Give me the heart of a little child, for unless I am converted and become as a little child I shall not be able to enter the kingdom of heaven. Make me as one of your infants and sucklings, that I may always hang at the breasts of your wisdom, for her breasts are better than wine, and wisdom is better than all riches, and all things that are desired cannot be compared with her. For she is an infinite treasure to men, and those who use it are made partakers of the friendship of God. If, then, you make me a little child, you will perfect your praise in my mouth. For then you will open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. It will declare it perfectly, as you perfected praise out of the mouth of infants and sucklings. FOR IF you had desired sacrifice, I would surely have given it; you will not delight in burnt offerings. My mouth, Lord, will declare your praise. For I know that this is most pleasing to you, since you say through the prophet, "The sacrifice of praise shall honour me; there is the way by which I will show him my salvation." I will offer you praise, then, the praise, I say, of infants and sucklings, for all my sins. And why should I offer you praise rather than sacrifice for my sins? Because if you had desired sacrifice I would have given it; surely you will not delight in burnt offerings.

Can you be appeased by the blood of goats or of calves? Will you eat the flesh of bulls, or drink the blood of goats? Or do you seek gold, you who possess heaven and earth? Do you wish me to sacrifice my body to you, you who do not desire the death of a sinner, but rather that he turn and live? Yet I will chastise my flesh with measure, so that by your grace it may be subject to reason and serve it. For in this too, if I exceed the measure, it will be imputed to me as sin. "Your reasonable service," says your Apostle. You too said through the prophet, "I desire mercy and not sacrifice." Therefore my mouth will declare your praise; for this offering honours you and opens to us the way to your salvation. My heart is ready, O God, my heart is ready, made ready by your grace to do all things that are pleasing to you. This one thing I have found most acceptable to you; this I will offer you; this will always be in my heart; this my lips will sound forth; for if you had desired bodily sacrifice I would surely have given it. For my heart is ready by your grace to fulfil your will: but in such burnt offerings you will not delight. For you made bodies for the sake of spirits: therefore you seek spiritual things, not bodily ones. For you say in a certain place, "My son, give me your heart"; that is the sacrifice that pleases you. Let a heart inflamed with sorrow for sins and with love of heavenly goods be offered to you, and never be taken back again. In such a burnt offering you will delight. THE SACRIFICE to God is a troubled spirit: a contrite and humbled heart, O God, you will not despise. It is a troubled spirit, not a troubled flesh, that pleases you. For the flesh is troubled because it does not have the earthly things it longs for, or because it feels in itself things it hates. But the spirit is saddened over guilt, because guilt is against God, whom it loves.

It grieves that it has offended its Creator and Redeemer, that it has despised his blood, that it has scorned so good and sweet a Father. This troubled spirit, then, is a sacrifice to you of most sweet fragrance; for it is made from most bitter spices, that is, from the memory of sins. For when sins are gathered in the little mortar of the heart and pounded with the pestle of compunction, and reduced to powder, and moistened with the waters of tears, from them is made an ointment and a sacrifice most sweet to you, which, once offered, you will by no means despise. For a contrite and humbled heart, O God, you will not despise. Whoever, then, breaks and crushes a hard, stony heart, built of the hardest stones of sins, to make from it the ointment of contrition in abundance of tears, and, not despairing at all of the number or gravity of his sins, humbly offers you such a sacrifice, will in no way be despised by you; for a contrite and humbled heart, O God, you will not despise. Mary Magdalene, a sinner in the city, made such an ointment; she placed it in the alabaster of her heart; she did not fear to enter the Pharisee's house; she lay prostrate at your feet; she did not blush to weep in the midst of the banquet; pressed by grief she did not speak, but her heart was dissolved into tears, with which she washed your feet; she wiped them with her hair, anointed them with ointment, and did not cease to kiss them. Who ever saw such a thing, or who heard the like of it? This sacrifice of hers pleased you, and was so acceptable that you preferred her to the Pharisee, who seemed righteous. For by your words you implied that the justification of Mary differed from the righteousness of the Pharisee as much as washing feet with water differs from bathing them with tears, kissing the face once from never ceasing to kiss the feet, anointing the head with oil from anointing the feet with most precious ointment. Indeed Mary far surpassed the Pharisee, for he had shown you neither water nor kiss nor oil.

O how great your power, Lord, how great your might, which shows itself in sparing and having mercy! I see, then, that a contrite and humbled heart, O God, you will not despise. Therefore I strive to offer you such a heart; nor need I urge this with words, for you are the God who searches the reins and the hearts. Receive, then, this sacrifice of mine too; and if perhaps it is imperfect, you, who alone can, make it perfect, that it may become a burnt offering, that is, wholly burned with the ardour of your boundless love, that it may please you, or at least that you may not despise it. For if you do not despise it, I know that I shall find grace before you, and thereafter none of your saints, whether in heaven or on earth, will despise me. DEAL KINDLY, Lord, in your good will with Zion, that the walls of Jerusalem may be built. For since it is written, "With the holy you will be holy, and with the innocent man you will be innocent, and with the elect you will be elect, and with the perverse you will be perverted," I greatly desire that all men be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth: for this would be both necessary for them and profitable to me; for by their prayers, merits, and examples I would rise again and be spurred on daily to better things. I ask you, then, Lord, though I am a sinner: deal kindly in your good will with Zion, that the walls of Jerusalem may be built. For Zion is your church; for Zion is interpreted "watchtower," because your church, by the grace of the Holy Spirit, beholds the glory of God as far as this life allows. Hence the Apostle said, "We, with unveiled face beholding the glory of the Lord, are transformed into the same image from glory to glory, as by the Spirit of the Lord." Lord God, how small your church is today: already the whole world is failing, for unbelievers are far more numerous than Christians. And among Christians, where are those who leave earthly things behind and behold the glory of the Lord?

You will certainly find few, compared with those who mind earthly things, whose god is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame. Deal kindly, Lord, in your good will with Zion, that it may increase in merit and in number; look down from heaven, and deal kindly according to your custom, that you may send the fire of love from heaven upon us to consume all our sins: deal kindly, Lord, in your good will, that you may not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities, but deal with us according to your great mercy. You, Lord, are our Father and our Redeemer, you are our peace and joy, you are our hope and eternal salvation; all look to you for good things. When you give to them, they will gather; when you open your hand, all things will be filled with goodness. But when you turn away your face, they will be troubled; you will take away their breath, and they will fail and return to their dust. Send forth your Spirit, and they will be created, and you will renew the face of the earth. Lord, I beseech you, what profit is there in the damnation of so many thousands of men? Hell is being filled. The church is emptied day by day. Arise, why do you sleep, Lord? Arise, and do not cast us off for ever. Deal kindly in your good will with Zion, that the walls of Jerusalem may be built. What is Jerusalem, which is interpreted "vision of peace," but the holy city of the blessed, which is our mother? Its walls fell when Lucifer fell with his angels; in their places righteous men are taken up. Deal kindly, then, Lord, with Zion, that the number of the elect may soon be filled, and the walls of Jerusalem be built and completed with new stones, always praising you and abiding for ever. THEN you will accept the sacrifice of righteousness, offerings and burnt offerings: then they will lay calves upon your altar. Then, when you have dealt kindly in your good will with Zion, you will accept the sacrifice of righteousness.

You will accept it, I say, because you will consume it with the fire of your love. For thus you accepted the sacrifice of Moses and of Elijah. For you accept sacrifices of righteousness when you enrich with your grace the souls that strive to live righteously. What does it profit to offer you sacrifices when you do not accept them? O Lord, how many sacrifices we offer today that are not pleasing to you but rather abominable! For we offer sacrifices not of righteousness but of our own ceremony; therefore they are not acceptable to you. Where now is the glory of the Apostles? where the courage of the Martyrs? where the fruit of the Preachers? where the holy simplicity of the Monks? where the virtues and works of the first Christians? Then you will accept their sacrifices, when you adorn them with your grace and with virtues. If you also deal kindly with Zion in your good will, then you will accept the sacrifice of righteousness, for the people will begin to live well and keep your commandments and do righteousness, and your blessing will be upon them. Then the offerings of priests and clerics will be acceptable to you, for, leaving earthly things behind, they will gird themselves for a purer life; and the anointing of your blessing will be upon their heads. Then the burnt offerings of the religious will be pleasing to you, who, having left their sloth and cast out lukewarmness, will be wholly consumed by the fire of divine love. Then Bishops and Preachers will lay calves upon your altar, for, made perfect in every virtue and filled with the Holy Spirit, they will not hesitate to lay down their lives for their sheep. For what is your altar but your cross, good Jesus, on which you were offered? What does the frisking calf signify but our body? Then, therefore, they will lay calves upon your altar, when they offer their bodies to the cross, that is, to torments and death for your name. Then your church will flourish; then it will enlarge its borders; then your praise will resound from the ends of the earth; then joy and gladness will fill the world; then the saints will exult in glory, they will rejoice on their beds, waiting for us in the land of the living. Let that "then," I beseech you, Lord, be now for me: that you have mercy on me according to your great mercy, that you receive me as a sacrifice of righteousness, as an offering of holiness, as a burnt offering of religious life, and as a calf for your cross, through which I may be found worthy to pass from this valley of misery to that glory which you have prepared for those who love you. Amen.