On Not Marrying Again 5

For do not, because blessed Paul allowed the thing, think it already worthy of praise and free from the censure of the many. For it is outside punishment and penalty, but it could not share in praise and commendation. For to be prone to pleasure and lustful, and not [to abstain] from one's wife either at the time of fasting or at any other, is itself far and remote from punishment, but not near to praise; for to have condescended so far is nothing other than a sign of weakness and of great carelessness. So if you fear getting a reputation for harshness by rebuking your servants, you should fear before this lest you throw yourself into so great a reputation for lust and profligacy. Besides this, a widow will be able to pursue the matter better, so that most of her affairs are safe, and she is not only not blamed but also praised by all, and, before this, obtains the good things that come from God. For if you are willing to deposit your money in heaven and bury it in that inviolable place, not only will it not be diminished, but it will become much more. Such is this sowing. But if she is too small to reach as far as that legislation, and does not wish to transfer everything at once, let her consider this in turn, that even if she takes a husband she will not necessarily take one such as to add to her possessions; and even if he should be such, let her not consider only this, the increase of money, but that she will be led to offend God and men in many things. For if he is one of the powerful and of great strength, he will sometimes force her to do and to suffer many things against her will, and what she feared in widowhood she will now undergo under greater compulsion; and not only this, but it is likely that she will meet a very swift reversal. For as a widow, even if she loses something of such things, she will hold what remains with great security; but joined to a powerful husband engaged in the affairs of the city, or pursuing some other concern, she will often lose everything at once; for wives who live with their husbands must share their misfortunes. And if nothing of this kind should happen, what is the gain, tell me, in choosing slavery instead of freedom? What is the profit of much money when she cannot use it for what she wishes? Is it not much better to have a little with authority than the wealth of the world while being herself subject, together with it, to another? For the cares, and the insults, and the reproaches, and the jealousies, and the groundless suspicions, and the birth pangs, and all the rest, I pass over now. For one who speaks to a virgin will reasonably discourse about these things too, since she is inexperienced and ignorant of them; but one would only annoy a widow by saying them; for what she has learned more exactly by experience it is superfluous to try to teach her by words. But it is good to add this much: that the virgin who marries will live with her husband with more boldness and freedom than the woman who marries after widowhood. For the husband of this one, even if he loves her as a wife, yet did not take her as a virgin; and that those loves are much more vehement and passionate than these is clear to everyone; but her, since she is not without experience of every man, he will not embrace and kiss with his whole heart. For we human beings are all so made, so to speak, whether by jealousy, or by vanity, or from I know not what else, as to love most those things of which we have the authority and enjoyment not after others, but are ourselves established as the first and only masters. One may see this happening to us with clothes too; for we are not disposed in the same way toward clothes that have come into use from others as toward those that have come from no one. So too with a house and with furnishings; for a house given us by another we do not love as much as one we built ourselves; and of furnishings, those just made and receiving their first use with us we guard with much care and effort, but those that came to us from others we do not much value, but turn away from them so far as often to have them remade. And if with house and clothes and furnishings this feeling happens to us, consider how vehemently it is likely to fall upon us in the case of a wife, than whom nothing is more precious to men. For those things we might even share with those who wish, but her it is not right for us to share; we would sooner part with our life than endure suffering this. The virgin, then, as I said, since she is untouched and his own and has belonged to no one else, he receives with all eagerness; but the woman first joined to another he will not look on with the same love and goodwill. [6] For do not tell me of what happens rarely and scarcely once, but of what is continually shown in experience. And not for these reasons only will the virgin have more boldness, but for many others too. For this husband could easily reproach the other as being despised by her, and bring up as proof of her disdain the faithlessness she showed toward the first, and stop her mouth concerning things that have happened and perhaps concerning things that will never happen. For the departed and despised man will persuade the living one to suspect these things about himself, even if they do not happen. And not he alone will be burdensome, bringing these things against her continually, but also the servants and maids, if not openly, then [whispering] secretly. And if it happens that young children of the deceased are left, how will she raise them, how will she protect them? Than what orphans will they not live more harshly, seeing everything of their father held by another — servants, house, fields, and, the sum of all, the wife? How will they be able to be disposed toward her as toward a mother? And how will she be disposed toward them as toward children, before whom she is forced to be ashamed and to blush, and to whom she cannot give all a mother's affection, since her mind is divided toward the children of that man? “What then,” someone says, “if she is very young and enjoyed her husband only a short time?” For I am saying these things to young women, not to the old; for to the latter, if they do this, I will not even speak; for if the long time, and their age, and all the rest did not persuade them to abstain from a second marriage, much less will we; our word will not persuade them; but my whole word is to the young. “What then,” someone says, “if she is young, and, having lived with the first husband only a year, marries a second time? For what reason will you prefer to her the woman who spent twenty or thirty years in marriage?” Not I, but blessed Paul; for he says, “But she is more blessed if she remains as she is.” For what if that woman lived a long time with a husband? — but with one, the same and only one, the one allotted to her from the beginning; while this one gave herself to two, and that in a short time. “But not willingly,” someone says; “for if the first had lived, she would not have loved another besides him; but since he departed before his time, she was joined to a second by necessity.” What necessity? For I see another necessity, greater than the one you speak of, sufficient to hold her to the deceased: having tasted the affairs of the world so bitterly. For the woman who was with them a long time and was well filled may touch them again in the expectation of obtaining the same things; but she who has experienced such grievous beginnings, with what purpose and hope will she come to the trial of grievous things? For if someone wishing to trade suffered shipwreck as soon as he left the harbour, before he gained anything, he would not easily take up the business again. Nor is it reasonable that this woman, who expected many pleasures but, before experiencing them, saw so great a grief, should love the affairs of the world, unless she happened to be very incontinent; or rather, even if she were very much inclined toward them and much attached to them, the unpleasantness of the beginning is sufficient to quench all her desire. For we are accustomed to persevere in things most when we have experienced good beginnings; but when from the beginning, and, as one might say, from the very starting line, we feel things hard and difficult, we quickly draw back, our purpose being quenched. So those who have endured untimely widowhoods might reasonably abstain from a second marriage, so as not to suffer the same things again. For the woman who remains in widowhood will have safety, and will not fear another such grief again; but the woman who has entered a second marriage will be forced to expect this terrible thing too. And besides, even if widowhood is one thing, not all widows will receive the same rewards, but some greater and some less. For those who took up the yoke in youth will enjoy more of the honour and of the gift, but those who took it up at old age itself not equally with them. Why so? Because the one, though there were many hindrances, endured everything through the fear of God, but the other did not endure even a little sweat or toil; how could she, when nothing pressed her? As, then, the woman who gave herself to a second husband is less than the one who has one husband, so the woman who remains in widowhood in her very youth will be able far to surpass the one who lost her husband in old age; and yet both had one husband, but the one ran the race of chastity, and the other fell short by many stades. Look, then, not only at the toil but also at the reward. For most good deeds seem difficult to us because, continually turning over their toil and sweat, we do not take to mind the rewards stored up for them. But we must not do so; we must reckon everything together, the recompense with the toils, and so they will appear easy to us, as indeed they are easy. For the champion too goes to his feat of arms having considered not only the wounds, nor the falls, nor death, but also the trophies and the victories and all the other honours; and the farmer too takes hold of his work setting before his eyes not only the ploughing and the labour of digging but also the threshing floor and the winepresses. So let us too lighten the toil of widowhood with good hopes, and much more than they; for their expectation has often been cut short by many things not in their power, but there is no one who puts our hopes to shame unless we ourselves wish it. Let us not wish it; but considering that the widow is not far behind the virgin (and there are times when she has even surpassed her, when the virgin is entangled in affairs, while the widow, according to Paul, left alone and hoping in God, perseveres in supplications and prayers and keeps away from worldly affairs), let us take up this contest, so that we may obtain the crowns that belong to it. These things have not been said to you by way of compulsion, nor, as I said, have we come to this exhortation condemning those who do not wish to remain widows, but urging and exhorting them not to be so bound to the earth, but, once released, to remain free, and to seek heaven, and to display the citizenship that is there, and, being joined to Christ, to do everything as befits women who have such a bridegroom; for to him belongs all glory, honour and worship, with the Father who is without beginning and his life-giving and Holy Spirit, now and always and to the ages of ages. Amen.